Malice Aforethought


The unspeakable thing slithered from beneath the Bentley with malice aforethought and picked up the scent of its ancient enemies, Bunty and Lola.

Ever since its inception in the city that wasn’t as nice as York and had no Betty’s tea room or a proper wall it had been angry because it had a face like a dried apple, cheap hair from Woolworth’s, buttons for eyes and limbs that were attached by means of elastic which caused it to bend when it tried to walk, hence the slithering.

It vowed its insane and frankly outdated attempt at the lives of the two ladies would continue as it left its lair in the basement of a museum on the legendary and possibly mythical Wirral peninsula.

Lola and Bunty surveyed the dining carriage between courses, there was a collection of ancient generals and relics of the ancien regime now impoverished and spending their last rubles to travel in style to exile. They could smell the nobility which had a similar essence to mothballs and aged furs lying in a wardrobe.

There was one military type with a waxed moustache who appeared to be fascinated with Lola. Bunty kicked her under  the table.

“I say Lola,” she said in a voice which she thought of as a whisper but was actually rather loud, “that chap with the monocle is starring at you.”

“I know Bunty he’s a distant cousin, one of the slightly less dead variety-I can smell the reek of vodka and political disaffection from here-he must have turned tail and joined the Bolsheviks-whose cause I of course support!” she added hurriedly. “That odd looking blonde woman in the stupid hat is starring at you.”

Bunty peeked from behind her menu and realised with horror that it was her awful sister Valkyrie who she hadn’t seen for years, not since she had shot herself in the foot because some goose stepping Nazi didn’t fancy her.

“Good grief Lola, it’s my dreadful sister, she’s gone to fat and looks furious.”

“I could never tell them apart personally but they all tried to set fire to me once and were horrid to you.”

“Yes, I always did wonder if Lulu had strayed-at least I look like Daddy!”

“I wonder what she’s doing in the USSR? Was she captured during the war?”

“I don’t know Bunty, I lose count of the amount of conflicts we’ve been involved in, just don’t look at her, she might go away.”

The next course arrived which was deep fried kraken with a side order of aubergine in honey, followed by more champagne.

Bunty and Lola starred at the waiter in their special way and he hurried over with the brandy and the coffee and the bill which caused a few complications as both got confused with money until they realised that they were all inclusive, gave the waiter a good ear bashing and got free pudding and cheese and biscuits for Lola who eschewed pudding.

Suddenly the lights in the carriage went out and the train came to a screeching halt.

 

 

 

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