Death Becomes Him


Lola lunged shouting “En Garde!” as she thrust the toasting fork into Bertie’s throat, much to Bunty’s horror.

Curiously no blood spurted from the wound.

“Do not be concerned Bunty, ” said Lola lighting a cigar from a flaming torch affixed to the wall.

“He’s amongst the very dead of the Gefilters, which is why he is so fond of the dark and embalming fluid.”

“Aren’t you all?” asked Bunty.

“There are subtle degrees Bunty.” said Lola spinning on her heel, throwing a karate kick at the toasting fork which was swiftly dislodged, to be replaced with a stiletto heel, she aimed the fork at Bertie’s groin.

“As I said Bunty, Bertie’s a stiff.”

“Now Bertie,” said Lola twisting the heel home, “you’re in cahoots with someone and I want to know who it is and how much they paid you. I hope it was worth it because right now death is about to lose its sting.”

There was a sucking noise as Lola removed her heel.

Bertie wheezed for a moment then the hole in his throat healed miraculously.

“You know, you could sell that embalming mixture to rich old ladies.” said Bunty.

“My dear, I do!” sputtered Bertie.

“And I bet that we know who your best customer is!” said Lola

“Who?” whispered Bunty.

“We know it as HER!” said Lola. “Although if she had been such a good customer then surely she wouldn’t have looked like a shaved monkey who’s been sacked from the wash house for chewing the soap.”

Bunty had gone again, she was having a lovely mental picture of monkeys (or chimpanzees so strictly apes, but who really cares apart from David Attenborough and atheists and no one cares if they have an opinion or not because they don’t believe in anything. The monkeys and the apes were never consulted.) having lots of fun with a big bath of bubbles, wearing little hats and riding bicycles. Then the dream ended because both Bunty and Lola knew that bicycles were irrational, like swimming and gravity.

“Bunty!” scolded Lola, “Are you thinking about monkeys again?”

“No Lola, I was solving Fermat’s Last Theorem!” spat Bunty, wondering about Monkey Puzzles and spanners.

“Well stop it right now! You know what happens when we try to do maths!” said Lola, flicking ash on the still prone figure of Bertie.

“You can’t do anything to me you know!” he lisped, “I’m already dead!”

“There are things far far worse than death.” said Lola, “Eternity will seem like a sigh when I have finished with you.””

“But I don’t understand about HER.” said Bunty.

“She promised me the world!” Bertie sputtered.

“” What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his soul?”” asked Lola.

“No seriously Bertie, I want an answer, I don’t speak in parables, how much did it cost?”

“But why would it want a soul?” asked Bunty.

“A ruby at any price.” said Lola.

 

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