Trifling madness

Branwell was on a fact finding tour of fancy flowering turnips along with some other equally inclined people . They were visiting huge growing factories in the Netherlands where solemn Dutch growers tinkered with the genetic make up of the humble turnip.

Bunty, meanwhile, had waved Branwell off without telling him the fitness gadget had altered its programme to fit Bunty’s lifestyle and not the other way round.

“Yes he is off to do planty type things Lola, no I didn’t show him what it’s doing now, yes I’ll bring it with me. See you soon.” Bunty put down the phone and wondered why Lola wanted to see her “Fat bitch”.

Just to baffle it further Bunty took a turn around the grounds of the house. At one point she broke into a jog but stopped when it yelled at her to’Stop that damned shaking’. Bunty lifted her wrist and hissed at it to mind it’s language or else there would be no black forest gateau for afternoon tea. If she didn’t know better she could have sworn it sniffed.

Lola was waiting for her in the Ballroom come laboratory when she arrived . “Is that it then?” she said as Bunty waved it under her nose.

‘Cake Cake Cake’ it muttered menacingly.

Lola gave Bunty a cake, chocolate sponge with drizzly icing. ‘That’s the ticket” she said taking a large slice. “It seems to know before I do what I need”

Lola took the gadget off Bunty’s wrist and sprinkled a little perfume on it.

They both watched in eager anticipation. “I’ve refined the perfume, Bunty, it is ready to be unleashed I think and world domination is a mere step away.”

Bunty thought that Lola had been using the perfume a little too liberally already but said nothing just yet.

Nothing seemed to happen to the ‘LFB’ or Lady Fat Bitch as Bunty called it. “Maybe the wedge of cake has put it to sleep?” Bunty said

“Yes but it’s not on you now it should absorb the perfume rather than overdose on sugar, Bunty that’s your second slice!” Lola looked at the crumbs of the cake left on the plate.

Bunty looked guilty and wiped the chocolate smears from her mouth.

Before anyone could say anything else the  LFB came to and demanded to be taken to the leader.

“That will be me” said Lola clamping it on her wrist. “Ok LFB, that stands for Lefty Fat Bitch now by the way, what do you have to say for yourself now?”

“One, write the manifesto

Two, I want a lentil casserole

Three, bring me the head of the rival leader

Four, organise some protests, what against will be decided later

Five, I want a dozen doughnuts”

Even Lola looked impressed, “Not bad, Bunty a pretty good blending I think.OWW!”

“What are you waiting for” it shrieked, “I can give you a stronger shock than that!”

Lola waved it at Bunty, “take it off, nasty thing”Bunty tried but it kept giving Lola shocks so they stopped. Bunty gestured towards a large trifle sitting on the side table.

Lola plunged her arm sinking through the layers of custard, jelly and settling on the bottom amidst the marsala soaked lady fingers.

The pain stopped, “Goodness Lola who would think a trifle would stop a lefty in it’s tracks.”


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