The Great British Bitch Off


Once suitably attired Lola began her mission. Phase one was Lulling. It involved Lola who channelled her loathing into the great resistance game and started a process of ingratiating  herself with the enemy.

Bunty thought tempting treats would soon work their illicit magic on the scrawny calorie obsessed and suggested the ruse of “slimming cakes’. Bunty gladly went into cake making overload and her kitchen was awash with sugar, butter and chocolate chips.

Bunty laid out the vast array of toothsome treats and described them to Lola.

“First we have ‘the low cal choccky chip melting moments’ you must say that they are very effective slimming biscuits and you are allowed 3 on any slimming plan you care to mention. They taste wonderful as I have refined the recipe and put in extra butter and sugar for that sugar rush kick you only get with quantity.

Next is my boozy cake, It has several bottles of rum in it and all fruit has been marinaded to extremes. I won’t tell you what happens when you eat it but let you observe for yourself.

Finally a selection of fairy cakes, the toppings of sugar are really a cocktail of mind enhancing ingredients and should do untold harm if you play your cards right.

Lola chose her moment.

She kept the cakes until there was a birthday and during the gathering of the harpies presents were arranged and Lola artlessly pretended she was mortified she had forgotten the occasion and proffered the cakes as compensation.

“I was going to take them home, they are really very good. low fat and everything, made to that nice Mr Baker’s recipe for slimming ladies. I suppose I could get some more tomorrow if I have enough money..”

That did it, the thought of depriving Lola turned them into a devouring swarm of locusts.

Soon there were glazed eyes, smeared clothes and an unseemly writhing mass of bodies licking icing and talking gibberish.

Such a display of bacchanalian lust over sugary confections played right into Lola’s hands and several photographs later she had some very interesting pictures and after a chat with the head harpy some equally interesting information.

The head of department strode into the office and head harpy already pretty far gone rose to her feet and grabbed one of the few remaining fairy cakes and waved it under his nose.

“Do ya know what I would like to do with this, eh, big boy do ya, mmm feel that buttercream on your baldy head, feels good dun it ” she giggled slapping it onto his bald pate while sliding down his front her buck teeth coming to rest in his braces.

“What is going on! Get off me you fool!” he pushed her off and she continued her descent to the floor giggling uncontrollably.

Lola didn’t think she had seen anyone turn such a vile shade of puce before.

“I think it something to do with spending all your money before you found out” said Lola looking as innocent as she could.

“Is that right is it! I should have guessed she was up to something well I will sort her out, now listen to me young lady we will need to keep this ‘in house’ so mums the word eh?” Lola nodded

“Oh yes whatever you say”

He wiped the cake of his head and left to make phone calls not seeing the photographs disappearing into the fax machine. Lola pressed send and left the office skipping.

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