She Will Not Stoop To Conquer


Lola still had ambitions to be a lady MP and would not let Dorking, or any man stand in her way. Padraig was alright for a diversion but was hard work and had let slip that there was a Mrs Marshland somewhere and a few offspring. Whilst Lola would not let such a thing worry her she would either stand alone, with the support of her friends, or with a nice supportive committed chap alongside her. She wasn’t sure that such a man existed though and had rotten luck so far.

One thing was for certain, Dorking had to go, he had been haunting her far to long.

Dorking was gibbering away and shouting and threatening to start dyeing his hair to entice Lola. He was clearly insane.

“Bunty, do you remember that grimoire I commissioned when we were girls?” asked Lola, leaning against the telephone box and lighting a match on her heel.

“Yes, I believe I do!” replied Bunty, leaning on her blunderbuss.

“Well, something has clearly gone wrong. Space and time should have been irrevocably altered and he shouldn’t be here!” said Lola, drawing deeply of her cigarette in its long black holder.

The gibbering continued, but they chose to ignore it.

“Well, I don’t see how we can communicate with the past.” said Bunty, filling her pipe with salty seaman’s shag.

“I still have the grimoire!” said Lola, her eyes widening as the two jumped into Bunty’s car leaving both Padraig and Dorking where they were for a while.

“Do you know Bunty, it’s been locked away for so long, I can’t think why I have not  used it before.”

“You do remember that it was a source of ancient and powerful magic and if misapplied could destroy all of creation?” asked Bunty.

“Oh, I’d forgotten about that.” said Lola.

There was a scream as a hideous gnarled thing appeared in the road in front of them. It had huge bulbous eyes and was vile to behold, but that didn’t take long as it stood still in the road and hit the fender of the car with a thud, before going under the car.

Unfortunately the brakes had been cut by Dorking and Bunty couldn’t stop the car.

“Oh how it squeals and bumps along the road, it must be in agony!” said Bunty casually.

“Oh never mind that!” snapped Lola,” it’s obviously some horrid supernatural entity, no doubt a changeling from the world of evil pixies! What about us?”

Indeed the thing cried out something shocking and Lola had to put her ear muffs on out of season and Bunty whistle a lively rendition of What Shall We Do with a Drunken Sailor.

Lola was about to answer the question as she had dealt with many a fleet, but they came to a level crossing and a steam train was on it’s way across the track.

“Bunty! We’re doomed!” cried Lola, but Bunty had other ideas and dragged her stylish friend from the car.

The car continued on at pace with the thing attached to the suspension all bloody and mangled.

There was a terrible racket as it hit the 4.20 from Paddington.

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