The perils of self medication


Dorking was barking, not barking as in dog but barking as in totally mad. He felt the vein in his neck throbbing and the weight of the elephant gun made his arm ache.

“I’ll blast her into the middle of next week and if I get caught I’ll say I was sleep walking”

he lurched past the window casting a huge shadow on the wall which Lola saw and made her blood (what little she had) froze.

“What ails you lass? ” said Padraig reverting to dialect for some unknown reason

“Nowt, I mean nothing” said Lola hastily gathering her case notes about her person.

“I must ring Bunty immediately” she dashed out of the room and phoned Bunty’s home. Gangee answered and said his mistress was staying in the cosy nook hotel almost opposite Lola’s current consulting rooms.

“I do wish sometimes Bunty didn’t know me so well sometimes” she grumbled as she redialed the Cosy Nook

The conversation went like this,

“Bunty, good Lola, yes, yes I know, he is, I know, he did what ? With an elephant Gun! just now, yes I know, because I saw him that’s why, you have? good, yes and bring more Gin. No I’ll distract him this time, yes I will get dressed. how do you know? I sound undressed, for heaven’s sake Bunty you are the limit, no I am NOT wasting time.”

Lola put the phone down and hastily dressed, she checked her appearance in the mirror and applied lipstick, a new nail varnish and plucked her eyebrows.

Dorking meanwhile had taken a few extra tablets for stress and they started to kick in.

He slumped against the door of a phone box and started to sob, the elephant gun clattered to the floor and he opened the door and went in. Through his blurry tears he saw several business cards pinned up offering a variety of services. He didn’t want ‘Busty Bertha’ or any of the other unsavoury ladies of the night. One card caught his eye, Dr Faustus, advertising his prowess as ‘salvation of the soul’.

“That is what I need said Dorking and grubbed about in his pocket for the correct change.

Bunty, meanwhile had also come prepared. Apart from copious cakes she had Uncle Luigi’s Luger, the ladies entrenching tool and a large coil of hairy rope.

“That will make the bugger chafe” she thought. Out into the night she strode and saw Dorking talking animatedly on the telephone. stealthily she approached and tied the door handle with the rope and ran round the telephone box with the rope until it was quite firm and secure.

Dorkings didn’t seem to notice and Lola opened the door and waved at Bunty.

Bunty strode towards Lola; “That should keep him snug until we decide what to do with the blighter”.

“Well done Bunty” Lola waved a glass

“Drop of  something to celebrate?”

“Don’t mind if I do”

 “You know I think Dorkings is on something, he is talking to someone but his eyes are vacant and he is just gibbering as far as I can see”

 On the other end of the phone Dr Faustus was beginning a very long night.

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