DIVORCE


Lola was persuaded not to pack her bags as the vile hangover forced her to sit down.

“Bunty, my head has put on weight!” she hissed and lit another cigar.

“No it hasn’t silly you just need some salt.” said Bunty who was a great believer in bacon sandwiches but couldn’t say so to Lola, who was culturally different when she felt like it and when it was to her advantage.

“Salt makes me retain water Bunty, I’d prefer to suffer and take drugs.” said Lola, flicking her ash on the carpet, as after all it was her carpet and she had paid for it.

Bunty waited for Lola to self medicate with slightly alarming chemicals of dubious origin which she had procured from her “contacts” at the night club Pastiche.

She went bright pink then faded to her usual shade of zinc white and sighed.

“Lola, ” said Bunty when she saw the pupils of her eyes grow enormous.

“Yes Bunty.” said Lola as if hypnotised.

“Do you remember Dorking at our school who tried to teach us science and failed because we refused to accept that hard sums were reality?” said Bunty arming herself with a butter knife.

“Oh yes he was horrid, remember that wheelchair and he could walk all the time, and he was mean to us, beast!” she hissed.

“That’s him,” said Bunty, “well, remember when we stayed at Wilde Manor, before going to finishing off school?”

“Yes Bunty, that was fun with the lady tandem.” said Lola.

“Well after we found the magical portal, you were abducted by him when he didn’t know who he was, and he took you to Gretna Green and hypnotised you into marrying him and tried to steal your money.” said Bunty.

Lola’s gaze sharpened to laser like intensity, and her left eyebrow tried to raise itself very hard, struggled, stopped then went up so far it nearly met her hair line.

“HE DID WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

The windows did not simply shatter as much as imploded. Dogs howled. Clocks stopped and church bells pealed.

There was an impenetrable cloud of smoke in the middle of broken glass with Lola in the middle of it.

Bunty had never heard of anyone chain smoking Cuban cigars but Lola Gefilter was very good at it.

“I want a divorce!” she fumed, literally, “It’s not fair! I went through all that nonsense with Max and I wasn’t even married to him!”

There was not much carpet left that was visible what with the glass and the ash.

“You will need a very good solicitor.” said Bunty from the next room behind a sofa.

“I don’t need one of those money grabbing bastards!” cried Lola, “I seem to remember qualifying as a barrister at some point, so I’ll do it myself!”

Bunty was trying to remember where they had left things with Dorking in this present incarnation, badger and man but guessed that he was in for an interesting time.

“Bunty!” cried Lola, “I’ve just checked, and it costs the same for a divorce as a separation so let’s string the bugger up! He should consider himself gefiltered!”

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