Coleman’s Mustard


The nearby village of Colic was in the midst of celebrations; a land mark case had been won in the High Court, and the heiress of the pikeling fortune and the estate of Jetting had been allowed to inherit. She was an only child, but as a daughter the estate had been entailed and a snivelling male cousin had been set to inherit.

Vita Sanatogen Hughes, or “Bunny” as she was known, was a rival of Bunty from early childhood; they were equals at the hunt and were both very powerful female landowners. Bunty had inherited from Bingo who had very modern ideas and a good law firm. A brother, who was a shadowy figure who lived in the colonies had the title, but he was so immersed in his yellow mustard enterprise that no-one saw him much, or talked about him.

Vita was playing golf to celebrate on her eighteen hole golf course and a particularly successful shot smashed through the window of Branwell’s glass house.

The enraged gardener came storming out in nothing but his pinny, glowering at Vita.

“You’ve knocked over my bromeliads!” he hissed.

“Oh, I say!” said Vita, “Surely this isn’t Branwell, Bunty Tuff-Muffin’s faithful retainer!”

“I’m my own man now!” he pouted, turning his back on her, revealing his hairy nether regions.

“Oh!” she cried, in mock shock.

Branwell realised his blunder and tried to cover his embarrassment and blushed a deep purple.

“Please don’t cover up on my account.” she purred, “I like a bit of burly flesh. Why don’t you come over to tea and we can discuss a business proposition, now that I can see you have come into some money? But please, remember your trousers or the staff will have a fit.”

Before he could answer she made off through the fields in her fetching Prince of Wales check trouser suit.

Branwell rushed back to his house Manderlay to find some clothes; little did he know that the nick name Bunny was not because she was a nice fluffy bouncy creature-she and Bunty were rivals at more than the hunt!

The Major, Bunty’s late, and not lamented husband had an eye for the ladies and liked them of a particular type-Vita Sanatogen Hughes was right up his proverbial street.

There had been a dalliance, which was actually a relief to Bunty, but when the Major broke it off with Vita there had been horrific consequences.

Bunty and Lola got back to their cabins and stared at the loot piled up on Bunty’s bed.

“I say Bunty, did you cheat?” asked a delighted Lola.

“No dear girl, of course not-well not exactly!” said Bunty, “I used a trick taught to me by my brother Coleman, who was also in the Chester Historicals. He learned it from Indian snake charmers. The trick is to make sensory distractions so that no-one else can concentrate. That fainting fit of yours helped by the way, we’ll use that again.”

“But why did we run?” asked Lola.

“It’s a technique that’s been outlawed by the Geneva convention, and a certain little man, and a certain very tall handsome man were paying rather too much attention.”

 

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