There Was Never a Woman Like Gilda


Professor Dorking-or “Charles Darwin” as he now chose to be known, noticed some rum goings on at his clinic; rich patients arrived and underwent procedures but far too many complications seemed to arise and many of them died.

The clinic had a fine international reputation but had a new man in charge called Doctor Foster who he had yet to meet.

His curiosity was peaked when he saw the Doctor in question arrive one day in a limousine; the man left the car wearing a fedora and dark glasses with a scarf swathed across the bottom of his face, but there was something about the shape of his nose which seemed familiar.

Mr Darwin decided to do some investigations of his own.

Bunty and Lola gasped in amazement at the vision before them; the colour had been restored to Lulu’s natural colour which was flame red, and the beauty treatments had done wonders. The clothes accentuated a shapely figure, as Lulu wore a black satin dress.

“My goodness Mother!” gasped Bunty, “You look like Rita Heyworth in Gilda!”

“Yes, she stole that look from me, the Mexican floozie!” said Lulu.

Lola was a little jealous, as she felt that she may have competition, and wondered just how young Lulu must have been when she had Bunty. As if reading her thoughts, Lulu drawled;

“I was just sixteen when I popped Bunty out!”

Lulu admired herself in a full length mirror.

“That marvellous girl has given me back some of my years, but I think I might be in need of a few tweaks! There’s a marvellous new type of surgery which was developed for burn victims in the war I believe “plastic surgery” they call it! I think I’ll have some of that! I’ll pay for you Bunty if you want, take care of those sagging jowls, you put me in mind of a blood hound!”

“How dare you!” thundered Bunty, “I may not have been blessed with your looks, but I do perfectly well with them! At least I’m not a looney!”

Lulu stood back as if she had been slapped and regarded Bunty with something like awe.

“I was wondering when you would fight back! Maybe there’s more of the cat in you than the hound! You have promise Bunty, given time I could turn you into bitch!”said Lulu somewhat confusing metaphors.

Bunty flushed with pleasure as her Father had never given her any compliments apart from admiring her sturdy seat on a horse.

“Why don’t we all book a retreat at Mershugenneh?” asked Lola, “Lulu can have her face re-arranged and Bunty and I can have a well deserved break without incident for a change?”

They all agreed that this was a jolly good idea and headed off to Thomas Cook to book their trip abroad.

Charles Darwin decided to take dinner in the clinic that evening and bribed the waiter to get him a table as near as possible to the mysterious Doctor Foster.

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