Metamorphosis


Professor Dorking had managed to leave the country using his new identity without being recognised. It had been years since his fame had spread abroad as an arch atheist, yet his electric shock regime at the asylum had taken years off him so he had decided to head for the famous spa town Meshuggeneh in Switzerland which boasted many cosmetic surgeons who could help him to change his appearance.

Meshuggeneh was also a suicide, murder and avalanche hot spot.

Bunty and Lola left Lulu at the beauty salon and promised to pick her up in three hours for her “reveal”.

They repaired to the local hostelry where the gruff Yorkshire male clientèle went silent as soon as two women appeared.

“A pitcher of Pimms a gin and tonic, and leave the bottle!” barked Lola to the landlord, who was about to insist that they sit in the snug but thought the better of it as Lola gave him her signature glare and he politely suggested that he showed them to a private dining room where they would not be disturbed by the coarse men at the bar.

“Bring cake and lots of it!” demanded Bunty, storming off to the rear of the pub.

“You heard the woman!” hissed Lola, not to be outdone in the hissy fit stakes and flounced off to follow her friend.

“I can’t cope!” cried Bunty once they were alone,”She’s horrid!”

“It could be far worse Bunty, at least she’s not Jewish-she’s an amateur compared to mine in the criticism game. My mother constantly tried to undermine my confidence-I just had far too much of it and she couldn’t make a dint-I was so glad when I found out I was adopted!” said Lola trying to be re-assuring.

“I wish I was!” sobbed Bunty.

“Don’t be silly, you are a Tuff-Muffin and made of sterner stuff! She just wants someone to spark off after all those years in the asylum-what you need is a blazing row! That will teach her to respect you.” said Lola.

Bunty cheered up a bit at the thought and even passed up on the Battenberg as she did not want to give mummy more ammunition.

Professor Dorking booked himself into the Katzenkopf clinic under the assumed name of Charles Darwin and ticked every box for the full suite of procedures on offer including penis enlargement.

He repaired to his luxury room and enjoyed the view of the lake and the mountains; he was free at last! For years he had dreamt of such luxury looking at his four walls and being bothered by infernal wild animals, especially badgers.

After the three hours was up the girls repaired to the salon to see what vision Lulu would present to them; they sat in the reception in anticipation. The dressmaker had delivered the clothes with the necessary alterations and when the curtain to the cubicle was thrown back they both gasped in amazement at the transformed figure before them.

Charles Darwin was an all together different man from Dorking; he fed the squirrels in the park-not because he liked them but because wild animals found him irresistible and he had to feed them to get rid of them. He soon gained the reputation as the St Francis of Meshuggeneh as a  pigeon called Scraggy liked to perch on his head.

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