Badger Parade


Outside on the moor, the real beast was at large; Mr Dorking had not spent all his years of incarceration in Appen Asylum, he had burrowed a tunnel almost right away and had several adventures of his own. He had felt sorry for his namesake and he was warmer in the asylum than in a set and got regular meals. At first that fateful summer, he had pined for Bunty and Lettuce and had roamed for miles trying to find them, but he was a wild animal at heart and soon his natural instincts took over and he met a very pretty lady badger who smelt a bit like Bunty and they had built a set together and had lots of little baby badgers and had now quite a colony on the moor.

Unfortunately the Dorking offspring had inherited a taste for cake and biscuits and would frighten the local community by bellowing for sustenance which had led to the rumours of the beast.

Mr Dorking could sense that his mistresses were in mortal danger; he said goodbye to his friend Mr Otter and scampered off to the set to get reinforcements.

He chose some of the best amongst his children and grandchildren; Miss Bunty, Miss Lettuce, Dorking Junior, Battenberg, Digestive, Doughnut, Lemon Drizzle, Cake, Trifle and Spanky.

Mr Dorking was a badger and had only a limited memory and vocabulary and his time at school with the girls had made a deep impression on him.

He made some badger noises to his troops and then made them form an orderly line and began a march to Basket Case Manor.

“Mrs Damson, train your gun on these two and if I succumb then blow their bloody heads off! Don’t worry, you’ll get off with it because you’re mental.” said Lola kindly.

“Do you believe me now?” asked Miss Honeycake

“God, does it bloody matter? I thought you were dead anyway so for you to rise again as a devious enemy agent hardly matters now. Anyway this sort of thing happens all the time so I’m getting used to it-and as for him being some sort of controller, well he wasn’t very good was he?” said Lola.

“But are you not upset that Max was my lover?” asked Miss Honeycake.

“Not really, I never liked him, I only married him for the free legal advice and to annoy his family who hated me. He was rubbish in bed as well, he could only get it up if I wore a purple beret-which is a fashion faux pas I would never commit so the marriage was never consummated-I prefered to take lovers-I can’t believe you had such bad taste Phyllis.” said Lola cooly.

Just then  there was a crash and shards of glass flew around the room, followed by a mass of black and white fur as Mr Dorking and his badger army came to the rescue.

In a frantic effort to save herself, Miss Honeycake, blurted out Lola’s control words.

“Smoking Ban!” and Lola collapsed insensible on the floor, then a gun shot was fired.

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