Getting Wood


“Do you think that’s long enough Bunty?” asked Lola, languidly stretching and swirling her gin and tonic.

“Maybe a little longer,” said Bunty. “then it’s my turn.”

Professor Wood whimpered from his position on all fours on the floor where Lola was using him as a footrest.

“Then, when Bunty’s finished with you, you can go to the village and do all the shopping, then you can clean all our shoes, do the ironing and make our dinner.” said Lola.

“What have I done to deserve this?” he whimpered.

“Haven’t decided yet.” said Bunty.

“Well, I’ve got a list, ” said Lola, jabbing him with her heels, “starting with how you led us on when we were school girls and then disappeared-Bunty was heart broken.”

“Was not!” said Bunty, “You were!”

“Alright we both were, ” said Lola, “but then the Japanese invasion came on and what with all those Nazis…”

“Ah yes,” said Bunty, “the Nazis-that was fun-now plump my pillows and get me some cake.”

After plumping Bunty’s pillows to optimum fluffiness, Wood was released to go to the village, but they took away his shoes so he couldn’t get too far and told him that the war was still on and that his enemies were still abroad to scare him into coming back.

“Do you think we are going too far?” asked Bunty once he had gone.

“No!” snapped Lola, “He really hurt our feelings that holiday, which is probably why neither of us can form stable relationships with normal men; I don’t think it’s a coincidence that not long after that we both became engaged to men much older than ourselves and that they were both blighters and horrid perverts-he seemed so nice that it put us off pleasant chaps for life!”

“Been reading Bingo’s psychology books have you Lola?” asked Bunty .

“Yes, but I’m right!” said Lola, looking at her empty glass and ringing for Mrs Damson.

“And besides, I’m getting bored and need a distraction plus, we only have one servant so we may as well make use of him-bloody history teachers! It’s all those dates, drives them batty.” she went on.

“Where’s Mr Dorking?”  asked Bunty, “I haven’t seen him all day?”

“I don’t know,” said Lola, “did he follow us into the folly?”

“We best look for him.” said Bunty, “It’s past his tea time!”

The two staggered towards the folly with their torches, Bunty regretting the Pimms and Lola clutching a fresh G & T, shouting “Mr Dorking”; their cries carried across the moor to Appen Asylum to the cell of Professor Dorking.

“Will this torture never end?” he cried angrily, which roused the other inmates, pleasing him immensely. He started tapping away on his type writer the next chapter of his new book “I’m the Greatest Person on This Earth”.

Professor Wood made his way to the village hiding behind bushes in case the enemy was at large, taking the occasional peek at the list; he did hope that the bakery had a left-handed Battenburg cake and the off license stocked the brand “Makesyoutipsey” gin or the ladies would be very cross.

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