The will of Revelations


“Mr Shark, how do you know what is in the will, we haven’t had it read yet, and what’s more you are not the family lawyer” Bunty thundered, wagging a jammy finger at him.

The lawyer squirmed in his chair and put down the china cup, rattling it in its saucer as he did so.

“Miss Tuff-Muffin, have no fear, there is no problem. Mr Bingo, before he met his untimely end did consult the firm of Shickster, Shafter and Schitzen in order to change some bequests and it is one of these bequests that involves Miss Geflitre.”

“hummph,” said Bunty “Ge on with it then you oily little oik”

“Bunty, you are in a mood, whatever is amiss?” said Lola as she downed her third Bombay sapphire and was feeling nicely relaxed.

“I’m just bemused by all these rules for attending the will reading tomorrow, not only do have to traipse all the way to Basketcase Manor in some godawful hole in Yorkshire but we have to each bring a present for a designated member of the clan and I have to think of something suitable present for Turnip Tuff-Muffin, who has only one interest, as I’m sure you can guess and the best present as judged by the lawyer wins the money as far as I can see.”

“Yes, on my invite I have to get a present for someone called Monkey Tuff-Muffin, but knowing your family I thought that there was an ulterior motive so when I spoke to this person, (Lola waved in the direction of the shark and sneered) he told me about the will and I knew this was the opportunity I had been waiting for.”

Bunty looked exasperated, Rickets was a mess, would need buckets of money to restore and Branwell was still prone to talking to his plants and telling her they were talking back, Gangee was taking classes in DIY and taken all the doors off to “restore” and her bunions were playing up. This was all annoying her because she was missing the adventures she and Lola had enjoyed recently and secretly hoped she would be able to continue their escapades.

“What is this all about then,” said Bunty as she took another big slice of Battenburg.  

“Look Bunters, the truth is I have got a nice little pile behind me, Schloss Schlepping is a real money spinner and whatever comes out of the will I want to put it into a business for the two of us.”

Lola stood up and hurled her arms out wide knocking the shark to the floor where he sprawled in an ungainly way”what about A Ladies Detective Agency!” we could be involved in all sorts of mysteries, make some money and have a ripping time” 

Bunty stood up, “Rather Gefiltre, you’re on” she bellowed enthusiastically. 

“Gangee, get packing, I’m off”

Branwell on hearing the noise from the sitting room peered in the window clutching a geranium and stroked its leaves, “There there, mummy is having a bit of a dance that’s all”

Indeed, Bunty and Lola were performing a frenzied version of an eightsome reel and a wizened little man was hastily removing himself from some lethal heels that were stabbing down missing him by inches.

Gangee appeared in the doorless doorway and asked Bunty if he should pack the carved group of swedes.

“Yes, of course I have been working on that all weekend’

“Good grief Bunty, what is that curious misshapen lump” said Lola who stopped mid twirl as she gazed upon the swede.

“It happens to be the last supper carved into a swede.” Bunty said huffily, “I aimed to make sure I won, you might not need the money but I do!”

“Well I’m sure you will, said Lola as she examined the Swede, shall we travel up together then?”

“Might as well old girl, bed down here tonight, Gangee, make up a bed for the Memsahib!”

Gangee bowed, “Oh yes and get rid of him will you, Lola pointed to the Shark and Gangee obligingly picked him up and threw him out of the door.

“Can’t stand the man”, said Lola, “Thanks Gangee”

Gangee flashed her a smile and bowed low.

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